The Cat In The Hat Comes Back
by Gracie2
Summary: Life at the SGC gets a little complicated for Jack and the gang, when an unwelcome visitor comes to play.


The Cat In The Hat Comes Back  
By: Gracie  
paintbyletters@hotmail.com  
  
Status: Complete (ly silly)  
Category: SG-1/Dr. Seuss crossover. Humor  
Spoilers: One little one for Fair Game. And you really, really should read Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat Comes Back, first, or this won't make any sense to you. (And you should read Dr. Seuss, anyways. He's cool!)  
Season/Sequel: Nah....   
Rating: G...iggles  
Content warning: Uh...not for Seussephobes?  
  
Summary: This takes the form of a silly little tribute to all the SG-1 fan fic writers who have given us all so much pleasure. Even though it's impossible to mention all your names in this one story, I think you're all great!   
The CAT in the HAT is Bastet, because, not only is she depicted as a cat in Egyptian mythology, but beacuse I blame her (A Bad Day Bastet/Tervo) for first getting me incurably addicted to fan fic. Thanks ! ")  
If you find this difficult to read, that's the manic Dr. Seuss' fault. I followed exactly the rhyme and meter of Dr. Suess' The Cat In The Hat Comes Back.   
  
Disclaimer. SG-1 are not mine, neither is the Cat in the Hat. I only pretend to own them. And I only pretend to have scads of money that I pretend to make off of pretending to own them....  
Oh, and, just in case it actually matters:  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.  
  
  
  
The Cat In The Hat Comes Back  
  
This was no time for play.  
This was no time for fun.  
This was no time for games.  
With paperwork to be done.  
  
All those deep piles   
Of paperwork,  
They all had to go.  
  
When our General went   
off of the base for the day,  
He said, "Somebody has to file all this away.  
Somebody, SOMEBODY   
Has to you see."  
Then he picked out two somebodies.  
Sam and me.   
  
Well....  
There we were.  
We were working like that.  
And then who should come up  
But BASTET IN A HAT!  
  
"Oh-oh!" Sam said.  
"Don't you talk to that cat.  
That cat is a bad one,  
That Cat in the Hat.  
"She likes to whump Daniel.  
Don't you let her come near.  
You know what she did the last time she was here."  
  
"Whump Dan?" laughed the cat.  
"Oh, my my! No, not me!"  
I just want to come in,  
Look around SGC!  
Keep your mind on your work.  
You just stay here you two.  
I will wander around  
And find something to do."  
  
Then the cat went right in!  
She was up to no good!  
So I ran in after  
As fast as I could!  
  
Do you know where I found her?  
Do you know where she was?  
She was in the control room writing fic!  
Yes she was!  
Daniel's ribs were all broken   
And his skull was cracked too.  
And I said to the cat.  
"What a mean thing to do!"  
  
"But I like to whump Danny  
In the fics that I write!  
You should read them sometime,"  
Laughed the cat as she typed.   
  
And then I got mad.  
This was no time for fun.  
I said, "Cat! You get out!  
There is work to be done.  
I have no time for fic.  
I must file a report.  
I can't have you in here  
Whumping Daniel for sport!  
You get out of this base!  
Enough with the whumping!  
We don't want you about!  
Giving our boy a thumping!"  
  
The program shut down,  
But I'd still seen the plot.  
It was all about Daniel.  
Not pretty! No, NOT!  
A big long adventure!  
All bloody and gory!  
And I said, "He'll be DEAD   
By the end of THIS story!"  
  
"Have no fear of that plot,"  
Laughed the Cat in the Hat.  
"Why, I can take plots off of Dan.  
Just like that!"  
  
Do you know how she did it?  
She attacked the JAFFA!  
Now Daniel was fine,  
But Teal'c wasn't.   
No, Duh!  
  
Then Sam looked in.  
And Sam saw Teal'c too!  
And Sam and I   
Did not know what to do.  
We should work on those files.  
But poor Teal'c! What HE got!  
"He may never recover!"  
Sam said. "He may not!"  
  
But the cat laughed, "Ho! Ho!  
I can make the plot go.  
The way I take plots off of Teal'c   
Is just so!"  
  
"See here!" laughed the cat.  
It is not hard to do.  
The thing that takes plots off Jaffas is a YU!"  
(Then I said, "ME!?"  
Then she said, "No, YU!")  
Now Teal'c was okay,  
But the Goa'uld's anger grew.  
  
"Oh! YU plots!" she laughed.  
"Let me tell you some news.  
To take plots off of Goa'ulds  
All I need is two shoes."  
  
And whose shoes did she use?  
I looked and saw whose!  
And I said to the cat,  
"This is very bad news.  
Now the plot is all over   
The General's dress shoes!"  
  
"But your General won't  
Know about that,"  
Said the cat.  
"He will never find out,"  
Said the Cat in the Hat.  
His dress shoes will have   
No plots at all.  
I will rub them off  
On this blast hole in the wall."  
  
"But now we have plot holes!"  
I yelled. "What a day!  
Plot holes! What next?  
Can you take THEM away?"  
  
"Don't ask me." she laughed.  
"Why you know that I can!"  
Then she picked up the plot holes   
And away the cat ran.  
  
"I can clean up these plot holes  
Before you count three!  
No holes are too hard  
For a Hat Cat like me!"  
  
She ran to the infirmary  
And then the cat said,  
"It's good the infirmary   
Has the right kind of bed."  
  
Then she lay the plot down!  
What!  
A bed with a plot!?  
And all I could say was,  
"Now what, Cat?  
Now what?"  
  
But the cat just stood still.  
She just looked at the bed.  
"I can NOT write about empty beds,"  
The cat said.  
"To take plots off this bed  
Will be hard said the cat.  
"I can't do it alone,"  
Said the Cat in the Hat.  
  
"It is good I have someone   
To help me." she said.  
"Right here in my hat  
On the top of my head!  
It is good that I have her  
Under my tall Cat Hat.  
She helps me a lot.  
She's my friend, ALICAT.  
  
Then AliCat   
Took the hat off her head.  
"It is good I have someone   
To help me." she said.  
"This is Little Cat BREE.  
And I keep her about,  
And when I need help  
Then I let her come out."  
  
And then Bree said  
"I think we need Little Cat C.  
That plot is too much  
For AliCat and me.  
But now, have no fear!  
We will clean it away!  
With Little Cat CALDERA, B and A!"  
  
"Come on! Take it away!"  
Yelled Little Cat A.  
  
"I'll blast that old plot   
With this staff! Do you see!  
It comes off the old bed!  
And lands on the I.V!  
  
And then Little Cat B  
Cleaned up the I.V.  
  
She cleaned it with ink,  
Put the plot in a jar!  
And then C blew it out   
Using a T.E.R!  
  
"But look where it went!"  
I said. "Look where it blew!  
You blew the plot   
Out of the room. That is true.  
Now there's paperwork plots!  
You can't let THEM stay!"  
  
"Let us think about that now."  
Said C, B and A.  
  
"With some help, we can do it!"  
Said Little Cat C.  
Then POP! On her head  
We saw Little Cat D...(IVA)!  
Then POP! POP! POP!  
EVAN, FOSTER and GOLL (Yeah!)  
  
"We will clean up that paperwork  
If it takes us all day!  
If it takes us all night,   
Because that is our way!"  
Said Little Cats G, F, E, D, C, B, A.  
  
They ran from the infirmary  
And we ran out too.  
And the Big Cat laughed,  
"Now you will see something new!  
My cats are good writers.  
My cats tell good stories.  
They'll put in your reports  
That you're all such BRAVE Tau'ris!"  
  
But this did not look   
Very clever to me.  
Plotlines in report files?  
That just could not be!  
  
"All this does is make MORE plots!"  
We yelled at the cat.  
"Your cats are no good.  
Put them back in your hat.  
  
"Take your Little Cats G,  
F, E, D, C, B, A.  
Put them back in your hat  
And you take them away!"  
  
"Oh, no!" said the cat.  
"All they need is more help.  
Help is all that they need.  
So keep still and don't yelp."  
  
Then Little Cat Goll  
Took the hat off her head.  
"I have Little Cat HARRSCH  
Here to help us," she said.  
  
"Little Cats Harrsch, INKET, JB,   
KARAMEL, LOOPY, and MARTIN, you see.  
But our work is so hard  
We need much more than them.  
We need Little Cat NICHOLS,   
OZKAREN, PARKINSON  
RHEANNA and STOUSE and TERVO and UNTCH."  
  
"Come on! Fix those plots!  
Fix this mess yelled the cats.  
And they rewrote those reports   
Using Sam Carter's stats.  
And they wrote them in series, round robins, cross-o'ers,  
Adding angst and hurt/comfort and musical scores.  
  
Oh, the things that they wrote!  
And they wrote them so well,  
It was all one big plot now  
What a story to tell!  
But the Big Cat just stood there  
And she said, "This is good.  
This is what they should do   
And I knew that they would."  
  
"With a little more help,  
All the work will be done.  
They need one more cat.  
And I know just the one."  
  
"Look close! In my hand   
(There's no Little Cat V....)  
But there's Little Cat Wampler! and Yum!   
  
And... Z!"  
  
"Z is too new to see.  
So don't try. You can not.  
But Z is the cat  
Who will finish the plot!"  
  
"Now here is the Z  
You can't see," said the Cat.  
"And I bet you can't guess   
What she has in HER hat!"  
  
"She has something called THE END.  
The End is so hard to get,  
You've never read anything   
Like it, I bet.  
Why, The End clears up everything  
Clear as can be!"  
Then she yelled  
"Take your hat off now,  
Little Cat Z!  
Take The End off your head!  
Make it clear up that plot!  
Hurry! You Little Cat!  
End this tale with a DOT!"  
  
She put THE END...   
At the end!  
And, oh, boy! What an END!  
  
Now don't ask how it ends.  
Just read on till it stops.  
But, boy! Let me tell you  
It DOES clean up plots!  
  
"So you see!" laughed the Cat,  
"Your reports are all tight!  
Now your work is all done!  
And the base is all right!  
And you know where my Little Cat writers all stay?  
Why, that ENDING just blew all those cool cats away!  
And so, If you ever  
Need plots, now and then,  
I will be happy   
To come back again....  
  
"...with Little Cats AliCat, Bree, Caldera, Diva...  
  
Evans, Foster, Goll...  
  
Harrsch, Inket, Jb, Karamel...  
  
Loopy, Martin, Nichols...,  
  
And OzKaren, Parkinson...  
  
... "Q", Rheanna, Stouse, Tervo...  
  
and Cat Untch and Cat "V"...  
  
and Little Cats Wampler, "X"  
  
Yum@   
  
and Z!"  
  
  
THE END  
____________  
  
  
Feed me, I'm yours! at: paintbyletters@hotmail.com  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
